BILL WAGNER (MFC) Memories

by -- s’Not and Apparently Pregnant

We won the lottery when we became friends with Bill Wagner. His was a life well-lived that brightened the others it touched.

Mellow was the Official Hash Curmudgeon (a title he, curmudgeonly, grumbled about, but we knew that secretly it filled him with pride). He could always be counted on after every trail to find something wrong with it, but he kept coming back for more. Thousands more.

We know that he is complaining now about the fluffiness of the clouds in heaven, or the noise of the angels’ harps, but he is at home upstairs at the Great Glorious God Show.

Almost everyone has a “best of Bill” story to share, or many. Some of us have known him a short while, some of us for more than 30 years, but no one who has met him can forget him.

(From AP): I recall that, when I set my first annual Ministry of Silly Walks trail for WH4, as I gave out the cards for the first silly walk or run each Hasher would do, Mellow complained, “I’m doing any of that nonsense.” Fortunately, I had a card for “Walk Like a Grumpy Old Man,” and asked if he could do that one. He did, and proceeded to hold onto that card and refuse to trade it at the checks. He even brought the card back to the next Silly Walks trail!

(From s’Not): Mellow delighted in taking credit my meeting my lovely wife (at an infamous Wagner Brothers party). He said we were couple number 6 he had matched up. He even encouraged us (with no commission) to use his Wagner Family Jewelry (in da 5 O’s) for our wedding rings. He even offered to relocate our engagement trees at his house, although we suspect this was primarily to reduce his landscaping chores.

(From AP): Mellow was quick to warm up to new Hashers, including a friend of mine who came to DC as an exile from Russia. At one trail I was haring, Mellow came up to me and asked where War & Peace of Ass was that week. I answered that he is here, just out finishing setting the runner’s trail. Mellow then told me, “I like him. He’s a good kid,” but to live up to his Curmudgeon reputation, he then added, “Even though he’s a fuckin’ Commie!”

(From s’Not): Bill was at his best, and relatively as mellow as his Hash name, after he had a couple of good cups of woke-free morning coffee and had time to check a morning paper. However, not all Washington newspapers were among Bill’s favorites. I’ve learned the hard way to NOT bring up certain topics before Bill’s morning coffee.

Bill was always thoughtfully aspired to be fair. He often offered to pay half of the price of gas used or tolls when we went to out-of-town events. He said he was thrifty; he called others cheap.

Bill’s 17th Street abode was always open, and he hosted many meaningful book clubs, and regular hash events. (“But stay out of the indoor bathrooms!”). There was also plenty of beer (PBR) at Bill’s events, and at book clubs there were also crabs, corn, and home-made dill pickles.

(from s’Not) While shortcutting, I was never able to successfully guess how he might have designed any trail. I told him it was evidence that we didn’t think alike. He liked that.

(from AP and s’Not) Bill loved his favorite sports teams (Packers, Nationals, Badgers, once the Orioles, and Georgetown (a Jesuit school, he always noted). He was generous with offers to share his season ticket seats with friends. “Real sports” were always a good topic of conversation with Bill, unless you brought up the local team when it sucked or asked whether the 49ers or the Pack had the better QB. But yes, the Bears always sucked and still suck

As noted at his funeral, Bill once organized a Wisconsin beer-and-food fest on the National Mall, where even Wisconsin politicians felt compelled to attend and meet his friends.

(from s’Not): I’ll close with a story that is typical of our relationship. We were just settling down to a meal at Stafford Street when we heard commotion. A couple of minutes later I went out to see an ambulance driving away. We later found out that it was Bill inside the ambulance. He had been struck by a car when the driver missed a stop sign. In typical Bill Wagner style, he delighted in telling people afterward that his doctor had called him a “human speed bump”. He also loved that I set a “body check” for a hash at the scene of the accident a couple of weeks later.

(from s’Not) Bill mostly recovered from that accident, but on future Hashes, he often finished with the DFL’s. But he ALWAYS finished. And then he offered his thoughts about the trail, refreshed himself with a beverage or two, and shared stories with friends or anyone who happened to be within spitting distance.