Virgin Hare Manual

What to do when you don't know what to do.

1. It's about time you got around to reading this page! If your hashes with us have made their way into the double digits it's about damn time you get out there and hare something! While no one can really "teach" anyone how to hare or hash, a few ideas never hurt. And, if you find this page totally useless, please feel free to check out Pike's Peak HHH's hareguide--now that's detail.
2. Nothing, well almost nothing, can affect your reputation as a hasher more than your ability to lay trail. Haring is darn fun and it's right at the heart of what hashing is all about. However, don't be misled--it is not as easy as it looks and involves a lot of planning and work. But heh, most wankers only set about two trails a year, so it's worth putting some time into it! Here is advice that should help you lay a good one.
3. Find a co-hare or two: No, you can't do it alone and even if you could, what fun would that be? For your virgin trail you need to find someone who has hared before or you truly risk screwing it up royally and getting the hash shit (if you don't know what the hash shit is yet, you are not ready to hare--run a few more trails and see if you can figure it out). If you have no idea who might help you, email the hare raiser. Keep in mind that Mismanagement only pays for four hares. Any more will pay for the hash like any other wanker
4. Picking a Trail: Some hashers feel compelled to set trail near their homes, office, ex-apartments, whatever. Feel no obligation to do any of the above. In fact, haring near your domicile could ruin any efforts at good neighborly relations! Scout the area thoroughly before hand so you aren't totally clueless when setting it.
5. A hash is not supposed to be a long, fast, wide-open asphalt covered road race. If you can't figure out how to get us off the street and into a park or trail or mud bog or storm sewer or landfill, you need to pick a different spot! Variety is appreciated, as are splendid vistas, soft running surfaces, thigh slicing briars and shoe-sucking mud. A good way to look for shiggy is to use Google Maps in "Hybrid mode." This will show you streets as well as satellite photos of the area. Look for streams and brush-colored areas. Anywhere a stream goes under a major road, there is probably a tunnel.
6. One absolute: NO TRAIL ON PRIVATE PROPERTY without landowner's permission.
7. Due to size, WH4 trails are most usually "A to A" meaning starts/ends same spot or "A to A-prime" meaning a reasonable walk back to the start. The standard approach--not that wankers are interested in doing anything the standard way--is to create about a four mile loop that starts and ends at the same place. For example. . .
   
8. Use http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/ to make sure your trail is around 3-5 miles in length
9. Scouting the Trail: You have to get out (hopefully with all the hares) and run the trail in its entirety at least once. That is the only way you will know you haven't set a ball-busting death march. If you're a little too lazy to run the whole thing or some of the hares are walkers, that's fine. But then you must walk the whole trail in it's entirety at least once. Top secret golden rule of hashing: if you walk your trail, including checks, BTs, etc., it will take exactly twice the time the pack will take. So ... since your trail should be 45 minutes, it should take no more than 90 minutes to walk.
10. SAFETY. This paragraph, and ONLY this paragraph is bull sh*t free: Hares are responsible for reasonable safety considerations on trail. The most dangerous hashing area are major/dangerous roadways. If you have to cross a big road, find a tunnel or do it at a light/crosswalk and mark it clearly--avoid blind curves, hills, etc. Do not have the pack blindly running around high speed railroad tracks trying to solve some stupid check. You do need to carefully check the trail beforehand for barbed wire type hazards in woods or trails, debris or jagged metal in creek beds or tunnels.
11. Trail Marks: It will be helpful to know WH4 trail marks before you try and set one--this is not a good time to learn on the job. You need to buy flour for marking the trail and powder tempera paint to color it. Figure on about 5 pounds per mile and one jar of paint.. Also bring chalk for hare's arrows, BTs, etc. Mark the trail cleverly, but not impossibly. Do not put hare's arrows or checks on BTs. If you don't understand that last sentence, you are not ready to hare. Marks should be about every 50 feet--closer in tall grass or nasty shiggy. Make sure you don't throw flour around sensitive federal buildings where they don't have a sense of humor. Specific examples include the White House, the Capitol, FBI building, etc. Use chalk instead. Plan your checks well-- they are the sign of the truly wily hare. True trail should pick up somewhere within about 100 feet of a check. After four marks, the pack should have reasonable expectations that they are on true trail--this is the time to clue them in with either a hare's arrow or a big fat BT. If it's pouring rain when you set trail, drop back to plan B, whatever that is. It may mean setting the trail live, or just putting down tons of marks and sweeping right along with the pack to keep them on trail. Also, FYI ... flour endures rain OK, chalk evaporates in seconds.
12. Walkers: WH4 is graced with the presence of a substantial walking crowd most every week. For God's sake don't piss'em off!! They are a spiteful cantankerous bunch you don't want mad at you. You should plan a walker's trail that will have the walkers and runners arriving at the beer check and end at approximately the same time. DO make sure they get to the beer, DON'T detour them around all the shiggy.
13. Shot Checks: From time to time the hares provide the pack with a shot check in addition to the beer check. This may be because the trail crosses an area that is so breathtaking in its splendor that you want the pack to stop a moment and smell the roses Ð or the sewer gas emanating from that broken pipe. Or it may be because it will give you just a little more time if youÕre live-haring. At any rate Ð the choice is yours, as is the expense. White House MM does not reimburse hares for their trail expenses Ð but youÕll earn the packs gratitude with a good shot and great location Ð or a great shot and an okay location.
14. Find a Bar: What hasher has ever had problems finding a bar? O.K. but you need one close to the end of your trail that is willing to put up with 60 or 80 of your best friends all arriving more or less at one time. Be wary of football Sundays, March Madness, etc. It is best if the hashers can WALK right from the start to the bar, but if driving is needed, try to keep the drive within one mile. If it winds up being more than that, change the trail to start and end closer! This is to minimize DWI potential.
15. Most bars, at a minimum, will offer happy hour prices on appetizers, burgers or drinks. Others may have a free food buffet or some other accommodations. Remember to include non-alcoholic drinks in your negotiations for those of us who go to the oNoNoN to sober up before driving home! You definitely need to visit the spot more than once to establish the credibility of the person you spoke to--remind them of the date/time and encourage them to have extra/adequate wait staff on hand. Using a cell phone to call 15 minutes before the circle breaks up to warn 'em is a good idea. You wouldn't believe the number of times we show up and the barkeep says "the manager never told me you were coming."
16. Get a Date: This part's easy. Get a hold of the Hare Raiser. The hareline page has the current information on what's available. E-mail your preference and you'll hear back in a few. You will need to know the general area of your trail. Then, by COB Friday a week and a half before your trail, you need to provide the hare raiser with the information they need to write an announcement.
17. Figure Out a Start Location: Pick an area that is relatively easy to find with ample parking. Parks, commuter lots, schools, shopping centers, whatever. Try to find a spot where we can safely serve beer - we like to drink before we run. Keep in mind beer cannot be served on school grounds or parks--DO NOT ABUSE THE BREW CREW BY ASKING THEM TO DO THIS.
18. Beer Checks: You are entitled to one beer check hosted by the brew crew. If you are sweet, charming and persuasive, you may get cooperation for a second well planned check, but no guarantees. It is usually too hard to break it all down, move, set it all up again and then still make it to the end on time. The B-check needs to be a discreet location where the crew can set up without disturbance--no school or park property due to alcohol restrictions.
19. Find a Place to End:This may be a little harder. A DISCREET location is needed that is not too far from the start and the bar. Again, alcohol cannot be served on school or park grounds so find some place else. Out-of-the-way office building parking lots are good spots! Keep away from neighbors who will promptly call the police at the first song--but then, if a nice rowdy circle didn't get broken up by the cops, it wouldn't be White House would it? Extra special attention to avoiding police interference is needed in Arlington County, the City of Alexandria and Town of Vienna where there are far too many cops with too little to do.
20. On the Day: WH4 trails are generally pre-laid. You should plan on at least two hours to comfortably lay trail, get lost, take a break to skinny-dip, re-lay your co-hares bad marks, fight about where to send true trail, complain about too many/too few hare's arrows and still finish in time. Don't split the trail up and all lay different sections: #1 it invariably makes a f-ed up trail, and #2 it's no fun, and #3 all the hares don't know the whole trail and can't help stragglers.
21. Come Sunday, have a bloody mary breakfast at 11 and set trail at high noon. If it's a Monday night you need to sneak out of work early (or call in sick all day) and be out there setting by 5PM. Don't be late to the start of your own trail, and bring maps and directions for the brew crew, walkers and the haberdasher. Designate someone's vehicle as a spot to secure bags during the hash and have someone stay with it (good escort vehicle for the beer van--yes, you need a bag vehicle even for A to A) . If you leave your car full of bags locked in a parking lot someone will smash your window and take our bags--just ask $50B*tch. Provide any special instructions as the pack circles up for Father-A.
22. At least one hare must sweep the trail at the end of the pack to make sure all checks are marked correctly and no stragglers are eaten by dingos and if needed, to steer the main pack back onto trail due to your crappy half-assed amateur marks. Get to the beer check and drink one. Once you've had your fill, tweet away your best oNoN and point the pack in the right direction to finish the trail. (Don't put trail marks in sight of the beer check unless you want FRBs to blow on in without fully enjoying your trail's half-time show). At the end, check with your sweeping hare to make reasonably sure all made it in. If anyone is conspicuously absent, you are responsible for sending out a search party to try and bring them in. Have a great time, direct the wankers to the oNoNoN and hope you don't get the hashshit for your first trail.

The End: OnOn!